The Thing is, You Have No Clue

19 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Life, Random, Relationships, Faith, Love, family

≈ 3 Comments


Life can flip you over and spank your ass like you’ve never had your ass spanked. Then in the very next frame it can bring you everything you’ve ever asked for, just to take it away again.

The ebb and flow of life is an ever-changing game that in reality is just us hopping along from one moment to the next, trying not to become trampled in the stampede of your neighbors collapsing home.

The lack of control can be completely devastating for some. To me, it just strengthens my faith. I’m very small at the end of the day. Very irrelevant really. Just  trying to grow my children into strong, humble, independent, self-sufficient, open-minded, open-hearted, smart individuals. Wow, what a challenge that is. One thing I’ve noticed all around me lately, is no matter how much of yourself you sacrifice and pour into a child, at the end of the day, they are their own flawed person. I can no more make them who I want them to be, than I can make myself into a bird and fly from here.

They will disappoint me. They will shock me with extreme successes. They will make bad grades on tests that they would have aced, if they had only studied for an hour. They will hate me. They will change college majors. Or not go to college at all. Or move across the country and only visit once a year. They could be gay. They could get married at 18. They may have 6 children by 22. They may never have children. They may have 20 piercings on their face. They may commit crimes. They may… they may… they may… and it is my job to worry and hope and guide and direct and pray and pray and pray… but as the days go by, my influence is only part of all of the influences that will wash them and break them and make them who they will be.

Recently I had a conversation with my mom, she wasn’t sure where she fit anymore. I got to thinking about it after we got off the phone. She spent a lifetime building a family, hoping, directing, praying and duct taping things back together. Her goal was to get us to adulthood successfully, and then reap the rewards of grandchildren and big family holidays around her kitchen table. She spent 30 years building that empire, just to have a wrecking ball put through the walls of her life. Pieces scattered in the wind as she tried to capture them through the storm. As the wind ripped through the walls and sent her world in opposite directions. She couldn’t catch-all of the pieces, and as the rebuild began, it was clear, the building would never be the same.

Standing on the outside and watching the demolition of her empire was similar to watching the tornadoes in Oklahoma, or the falling of the Twin Towers, you watched in horror, hiding the ones you loved behind you, secretly glad it wasn’t you, but knowing through and through it could have been. It can and does, happen to every and anyone. No relationship is safe, no human love is indestructible. Anything man-made, can be knocked down. It can all collapse. And just like the tornadoes of Oklahoma, after a week, no one else cares, the news stories have moved on and there you sit. Thankful to be alive, feeling guilty for wishing you weren’t. Wondering what to do next.

Birthdays come around again. Like cane stripes across your back, they slash through and show you’ve made it. A reminder. A celebration. A haunting. A blessing.

I look around to see who still stands beside me, is there anyone? The faces have changed. Even the ones that remain from days gone by, their faces have changed.

 

The Road to Anywhere and Everywhere

04 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by in adventure, Inspiration, Life, Random, rant

≈ 10 Comments


You know that road you pass by everyday? The one you’ve never been down? The one that leaves you wondering as you keep on your same weary beaten path, what if? Could you turn the car right and drive into another life? You won’t. You won’t because by the time you hit your own driveway, you won’t even remember the 30 minute drive that just brought you home. You’ll snap out of a daze and realize that you can hardly remember how you got from your desk to your front door. It’s monotonous. It’s ludicrous. Yet we do it all again. And again.

I dream of running through the fields, and soaring with the birds. They tell me to be thankful for my job. So many have nothing. I feel guilty for wanting more. I feel ashamed that I am insatiable. I am a blessed woman, with an amazing family and beautiful home. But I need to breathe. I need to see what’s down that road. I want to explore the world, before the human race destroys it.

Do you ever get caught up in the fact that days just keep going by? They don’t slow down. Time just marches through. And not to get caught up in the whole YOLO crap, but dammitman… the only thing you can’t put a price on is time. It damn sure doesn’t come back. The only time it ever slows down is when you’re sitting in a meeting, or at your desk wishing you could go home.  Then when you get there it goes from 5 pm to 10 pm in the blink of an eye? WTF is that???

Ahhhh, I’m ranting and I know it. I’m ranting because I can smell spring, it’s busting through the dreary gray of winter and it smells like HOPE. Nothing is more intoxicating than the smell of opportunity. So with that, I will leave you…. leave the traffic and the rat race…. I’m headed off course!

Her Song…The Story of a Sister

26 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by in Faith, family, Inspiration, Life, Love, Random

≈ 7 Comments

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“You never write about me,” she says.

“Yes, I do!” I challenge.

“No. I have read every blog you’ve ever posted, and you don’t write about me. You’ve written about Kenny (my brother) and mom, and dad, and a million other people… but never about me.”

She’s fake pouting, but behind her fake tantrum I can see it actually bothers her. In all honesty, I have no reasons to offer her, because she’s one of the most valuable people on the planet to me. So I plan to write about her, but when I stare at the monitor the words seem to evade me. So I save the file. I take it out and look at it every once in a while, I write for some time and then save it again. It’s never right, it’s never enough. I relate to the little drummer boy. The words are weak. I need giants and swords and action bits, I save the draft again.

Truth is, there aren’t words for her. There was a childhood bond created 24 years ago when they brought her home from the doctor. She was 7 years younger than me, so there was a big enough age gap that we never really fought or picked at each other. Her and my brother, now they were constantly going at it, to the point I would occasionally sit in the middle in the back seat just for some peace and quiet.

It wasn’t one of those movie sibling stories where we hung out all the time, or I always helped her with her homework. It was more like my childhood years simply bonded me to my siblings for eternity. Maybe because I was older than them I became a mother hen to them, I don’t know. But my instinct I have toward both my brother and my sister is as close to how I feel toward Hailey and Faith as possible.

When I went off to serve in the Air Force, my sister could hardly say goodbye. She hid in the front yard when I had to leave. She wouldn’t look at me. She felt abandoned. Now it is well over ten years later, some 4,000 days have gone by. And as days go by, of course life happens. I’ve moved all around, I’ve married, I’ve divorced, I’ve struggled, I’ve fought, I’ve remarried, and I’ve watched all aspects of the world as I knew it, change. And over those 4,000 days, she has too. Moments when life is at its lowest of lows, or as low as you can imagine it being, before the bottom falls out and you drop 20 more feet into the pit you so desperately want rid of… and the only person that can make you crack a smile is your sister (I would add or brother, but I am pretty sure if she doesn’t get her very own post, she will KILL me and hide the body in 65 different locations… so Kenny if you’re reading this… get out the decoder, your message is in here too).

The best part is, she has been there for me during all the bad parts, but life has turned again, as it always seems to if you stick it out to play the game in full. You get the highs and lows and all the in betweens. Recently, we’ve just been doing a lot of laughing. Our mutual friends claim they can’t tell our voice or laugh apart. She finishes my sentences often, refills my wine glass frequently, and always knows when to say my hair looks pretty. I get to see her be a mom now, and chase around my little niece and nephew that remind me so much of life 20 years ago. My life is more complete because I have her in it. And I hope she always knows it!

Stupid Old Man… Stupid Old Woman

25 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by in family, HUMOR, Inspiration, Life, Love, Parenting

≈ 12 Comments

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My parents are soooooo dumb! It's amazing they were capable of making someone as smart and beautiful as me!

My parents are soooooo dumb! It’s amazing they were capable of making someone as smart and beautiful as me!

When I was a teenager there was a running joke in the house. When one of the 3 of us children would sass my parents, or question what they were saying to us, my mom would look over at my dad and go, “Yea! You stupid old man!” and then they would laugh hysterically, in their own little world.   We got quite a laugh out of this as well, my brother, sister and I. We would look at each other, eyes rolling, laughing that mocking laugh in our secret sibling language where the one thing we did agree on was in fact… yes, they were stupid. Bwhaahahahaha! Stupid parents!

     I would stand there in the midst of all of my half-assed chores and ask my mom if I could go somewhere on Friday night. She would glance over at me, obviously wishing she was in Fiji, and tell me no… I could not go anywhere until my chores were through. I’d let out a heavy sigh, continue on my half ass/slacking of my chores and ask again. She wouldn’t check my chores. She would just tell me to wait until dad got home and ask him. Two hours later, the cycle would repeat, and then again with the “stupid old woman/stupid old man” bit and they would laugh at each other.

    I never really understood why they went through this routine, I just knew they found it really funny and it was the one “insult” that we could throw out that seemed to make our parents laugh instead of beating us with the belt grounding us all weekend.

    Three days ago, my sister and I took all of our children shopping for their Spring Break Trip to Florida. That’s 4 children total. She unfortunately has two beautiful little ones and you know about mine. As we are coming home from our hell-on-earth trip to Kohl’s, Hailey (12) says something sassy (funny, I cannot for the life of me remember what it is now) but she completely just slashes right into me. My sister looks over at me and says, “yea… stupid old woman!” and we both bust into hysterics.

   Then, as we are cracking up, it dawns on me… they were laughing at us! They were mocking us! Our parents…. those…. stupid…. old… people geniuses found a way to laugh at us when we would stomp our feet and claim our young worlds were on the verge of collapsing because we were not getting our way.  Wait a minute here! I look over at my sister,”They were laughing at us, weren’t they…” she trails off for a second and we’re both quiet.

When we finally look at each other again, we burst into laughter, all four of the kids quiet in the backseat, waiting to see the result of the stupid old woman comment she made a moment ago…. and when we laugh, they laugh… but it will be years before they know why.

Catching Up the Blogosphere

28 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by in blogging, Life

≈ 10 Comments

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Hello readers, remember me? I know, I know… it’s been way too long. My deepest apologies for falling out of cyberspace (which, let me assure you, is a very long fall).

Things in our world have been pretty crazy lately! We added 3 people to our household right after Christmas. My sister and her two (pain in the butt) beautiful children moved in with us. She is just moving to Alabama from Florida, and trying to get her bearings and things situated while she finds a house in the area. This has provided many wonderful nights of board games, gab sessions with my sister, a new shopping buddy, and cousins for the girls to torture. For the most part, it’s been win/win.

It also came with her two kiddos starting at a new daycare here, which has so far provided our household with every type of stomach bug, common cold, flu, pneumonia…. you name it… in the last month and a half. Wheew Whoooo.

But the reasons I haven’t written go deeper than this. For awhile I had a blog stalker… well to be honest, I probably still do. My blog used to be a place where I went to share something quippy, sassy, ranty (yes that’s a word), or just put my voice out there. I know it’s not my own private journal, which by being public opens it up to douche bag readers… but it has been a major turn off for me. As soon as I realized I needed to block this jerk-face reader, they just come back with a different screen name and comment as someone else. I realized they’re the same person because they can’t spell the same words… over and over again. So not only are they a douche, they’re also stupid. Great. Everyone needs a stupid douche in their life.

So after a month or two of down time, I think I am ready to just put my big girl pants on, and ignore them, because my blog has nearly 250 followers and I really don’t feel like starting over. This is my space. I pay for it! SO HA!

Now… back to your regularly scheduled programming.

More to come from Xanax.

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