Question:  What did you have done to your jaw and why?

Answer: I hate even admitting this is all voluntary sometimes, but here we go.  My whoooooooooole life my jaw has popped really loudly when I chew food.

Chew Chew Chew… crack… pop… crack… (no snap and no crackle) It’s annoying.

Roughly 4 years ago it started getting to the point it would lock shut, that’s right lock shut. So I went to the doctor. The doctor sent me to an orthodontist. The orthodontist sent me to an oral surgeon. They all met for drinks and discussed beautiful women, golf, the Bahamas  my jaw… and after they ordered their 7th round, and charged me thousands of dollars in co-pays, they decided on a plan.

“We’ll put her in braces for 2 and a half years and then when her teeth start to look perfectly straight, we will break her jaw and move it forward a quarter of an inch…. what say you???”

They all said, “Aye”…. there was some clanking of glasses, they drank… and then I had braces.

Every 5 weeks for the last two and a half years I’ve gone to the orthodontist’s office so they can twist and pull and pop and tighten… and I cuss and cry and bite them. Dirty bastards.

But then the day came for my surgery. I felt the same way I did right before I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane with a parachute strapped to my back. NO WAY IN HELL, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE ME DOWN KICKING…ANNDDD….SCREAAAMMinnnggg…. as I fought they shackled my legs and hands and pumped my head full of sleepy medicine.

When I went to sleep I looked like this:

All right, well maybe you aren’t buying the sweet and innocent part… but that’s still no reason for me to wake up looking like this and crying for my momma.

Okay, that picture is right after I woke up, well… my eyes are open but I have zero recollection of this picture being taken so I am not sure I actually qualify as awake. For any of you considering this surgery, let me just say… stock the fridge with stuff to make smoothies because you’re going to be eating through a syringe for at least two and a half weeks if not longer.

By the time I was released and able to go home, I was looking so much better… check me out… I look like I was in an auto accident…with a bus.

Being released to go home was great, but it had it’s share of difficulties too. For starters, they wouldn’t let me take the I.V….. I have names for those kinds of people. The dull throbbing ache started at home… and lasted for the next two to three weeks.

The swelling in my face did something weird to my skin. It seemed to put it in some sort of crazy where it was certain that in addition to all the swelling I also needed it to produce an extra 3 gallons of oil each day. Ew for skin with a mind of it’s own. Yuck.

As week two ended and week three post op began, the nasty bruises set in. You can see how yellow and icky my neck is here.

Now it has been 5 weeks since my surgery, I am starting to actually eat a little bit again. Still nothing major… the biggest problem is that my mouth still only opens so wide… (that’s what she said)…sorry, it just fit there (that’s what she said). Ok really, I quit. In all seriousness, it has changed my face a lot… to me… I have more of a jawline now, but the really awesome part is when I smile, you can see my bottom teeth, that never happened before because they were so far back in my mouth.

So for all of you wondering if my surgery was worth it, I won’t honestly be able to tell you for a few more months. But as for right this moment… yes… and… someone… anyone… please…. FEED ME!!