It’s been awhile since I sat and wrote. Mostly because every time I try to, the words do not flow. Not like they used to. Then when they do, they’re choking themselves out with questions and so much negativity that I feel I may bust just writing them all down.
This year has been…. whack.
Russell and I found ourselves at the make it work, or call it quits forever crossroads early on in the year. The strangest part of standing at that point was knowing that whichever way we chose, I loved him. And that wasn’t going away. So we kept fighting for us. Because when we are good, God it’s amazing. But when it hits its breaking points, it leaves scars.
Not long after we decided to take leaving off the table permantely. Forever. For always. For… ahh you get the picture. Anyway, I digress. Not long after we decided that, my parents seperated after 32 years. Then immediately following them splitting up my dad had a new girlfriend. My mom has always been one of the strongest, most independent people I knew, and it was like watching her plumit off of the Empire State Building (metaphorically). She crashed, while he went right on with his life, happy as a lark.
I questioned everything. There’s no way Russell and I will ever make it if my parents didn’t make it….right? Ahhh yes, I was in that pool of naive people that actually believed, “that won’t ever happen to them.” They’re happy. They’re forever. They’re for always.
But since enduring their divorce, I realized I had been living in a bubble, for a very long time. My judgments toward my step children, my curiousity to why my daughters have such a hard time making a permanent bond with their step father, it all comes into play. Apparently, it isn’t all about me. WTF.
Having a new woman in my dad’s life, I’ve been around her a few times… but I don’t care about her. I don’t know that I ever truly will give a damn. I’m glad he’s happy. But he destroyed our family. Our Christmases. Our lives, for himself. Survival mode kicks in, isn’t that the way we all are? Is it? I don’t know. I left my children’s father when they were tiny. Is that better? Is it different? Did I try as hard as I could? Would they be better off if they had grown up with both their parents?
Then I think of my step children. My step daughter was 13 when I met her. I thought she was an evil terror. But the truth is, she didn’t want to become attached to someone else that could be lost. Because it hurts. And it’s frustrating. And you don’t know how to define your loyalties. It wasn’t me. It was who I was. I see it differently now.
All of these circumstances and changes, they swirl through me. They change how I feel about things quickly, and without my realizing it. I wonder if Russell will be there down the road. I know he says he will. So did my dad. They’re not the same person. But history repeats itself. Learning how to just live in the now, is what I am focusing on. Forever seems a stupid word to me these days, and people that throw it out there make me want to scream. Don’t say you want to be with me forever. Tell me you want to be with me today. Tomorrow. And then live today so that I will be there tomorrow. Maybe that’s the trick?
Parents having boyfriends/girlfriends is hard. It’s weird enough to sort out your own relationships without watching them making the same mistakes.
If only a few more people would live by your philosophy “Live today so that I will be there tomorrow.” This was a very interesting post & it almost mirrors some of the reflections on my life I have been making lately. Last year at this time I had a married daughter & a newly married stepdaughter. Both of them have since separated & it made me stop & take stock in my own life more. I’m not sure I’m ready for any big changes at this time, but I certainly have given it some thought.
I think the biggest problem today is that no one is willing to sacrifice for another anymore. Rough times typically pass, and the funny part is, we are always attracted to the same type of people. The first year or two is always magic, but after that it takes work, and when you make someone part of your family, you shouldn’t be able to give them up later. My whole disposition on divorce has changed drastically in the last 2 years.
I agree – sometimes people give up too soon & don’t commit themselves to working on things.
Well it certaintly has been a ride this year. And even though its been pretty tough, I’d say you rode like a champ. And I really hope you don’t I’m a terror anymore. lol You are very right though. And I have to say you wore on me cause I don’t draw anymore pictures of you with dvil horns….lol I love you!
LOL you can still be a terror, but you’re a woman, we all are
I love you too.
Jeanna, you are soooooooo wise above your years. I love you. I love your insight and ability to put into words what we all feel at times. You touch us all in different ways. That’s all. And Danielle, I am so glad you have removed the horns from Jeanna’s head in your pics! LOL JK
Thanks Laura <3 I've missed writing. It always makes me feel better to get it out of my system, and then I am still constantly blown away at how people enjoy reading it and say that it is relatable. It's nice to know you're not alone in things, although in painful situations, I wish others didn't always understand so well. It's just such a common thing now. I pray for you and Mike and the strength of your relationship, you guys are a true minority!
“Forever seems a stupid word to me these days, and people that throw it out there make me want to scream. Don’t say you want to be with me forever. Tell me you want to be with me today. Tomorrow. And then live today so that I will be there tomorrow.”
There in lies the problem. People let the word “forever” fall out of their mouths to give the moment gravity, without ever actually thinking to themselves about any of the other words that have always gone hand in hand with it. They forget that letting that little, bitch of a word loose, also connotes “commitment,” “honesty, “trust,” (no, honesty and trust are not the same, one is rewarded by the other) and responsibility.
Responsibility….by far, the least romantic word in the bunch, is possibly, the most important. Once the word “forever” comes out of somebody’s mouth, they take on the responsibility to do exactly what you described in closing. “live today so that I will be there tomorrow.” And yet, most people are so fickle, they get caught up in everything they don’t or could have. They lose interest because today wasn’t much fun. Then, days like that get in line and stretch on for months until the irresponsible, self indulging, individual completely forgets what “forever” means, as well of the gravity the word posses. For that matter, most forget the word ever came out of their mouth at all.
Watch the sun rise and set kiddo. Don’t worry about those you can’t get close to (they are simply passing by) and hold tight to those you can (they will live inside you as long as you draw breath.).
Since I read your more recent post already, I don’t have much to add, but savor each moment. Worrying about what was or what will be is just wasting time right now that could be so much better spent…
Nothing is forever, least of all us. Just saying something is forever is trying to impose a sense of permanence onto our world, which are are aware is largely illusionary. As children we want our parents to remain predictable, because they form part of the hard landscape of our life. SOmetimes, unfortunately for us, they sometimes “want to grab life with both hands”, live for the moment” and all the other things which threaten our vision of them. Thed only way throough it all is understanding, and thats a lot easier to say than practise. Very nice to see you back here again. Sorry your year has been so difficult.
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